I vividly remember the moment in October of 2012 when I realized I was going to have to leave Los Angeles & Southern California. I had been couch surfing for most of the year & had pretty much hit a financial breaking point. I was in my car on the Highland Blvd exit off the 101 and heading into Hollywood while I was on the phone with my mom & she, once again, mentioned the idea of moving home. Every other time I had laughed off the idea but this time I didn’t. Instead I broke down crying & barely squeaked out the words saying that the idea of moving scared me.
This fear that had been festering deep down finally came to the surface. Why at that moment? I think it’s because I knew it really needed to happen & that it was time to face the reality.
So, what brings up this memory now over a year later? Because it happened again.
After a couple months in Minnesota I was able to head to Nashville for an internship at Curb Records. I only planned on staying the summer & then hopefully finding work back in LA or maybe even NYC. But now as the weather gets colder & I realize that I did not bring some essential seasonal clothing & other items, that I was still here, in Nashville.
While here I have tried to embrace a lot more of the culture than when I lived here from ’02 – ’06. I have attended many festivals, gone to a plethora events & shows, and even been to some art events around town. Through it all, I have realized how much this city has to offer. But as I was embracing all this city had to offer, my mind was always set on it being temporal. I was going to enjoy it while I was here more so than I did the first time around, and then head off to the next stop. I wasn’t embracing it so I could hold on to it, but only so that I could get the most out of what I thought was a short stay.
But due to some recent events I’ve been starting to realize that staying here longer may be a good thing for me, regardless of how much I don’t want it. I’ve been songwriting again & even attended a great workshop that really got things going (look for a separate blog on that) and it just makes so much more sense to, as a songwriter, be in Nashville. I’ve also been pressured on some other fronts that are pushing me to make decisions quicker than I’d like. Decisions like signing a long-term lease (I have currently been living month to month). Not too mention, the cost of living in much lower in Nashville than any other city with a thriving music business scene, and considering I will have new student loans to pay back soon… yeah…
I have known all these things for quite some time but I’ve been fighting it. I wasn’t laughing the idea of staying off, but lacing up my boxing gloves & punching the idea clear away. But today, the gloves came off & I resigned to the idea decking my clear cut across the face. I didn’t break down & cry, but I did get teary eyed, as I am currently beginning to again (I have a good suspicion that I may have a good cry at bed time).
This moment I just wrote of happened while I was watching the all-too-short documentary about Nashville called For the Love of Music: The Story of Nashville. As the doc was wrapping up & the musicians that were interviewed gave their final thoughts about this fine city, I just knew that the city they spoke of was where I’m supposed to be for the foreseeable future. It’s not an easy pill for me to swallow that’s for sure, but it’s mine to take.
For the praying kind, please pray that I find peace in this new (old) city.
Pray that I develop real, deep, lasting friendships (but don’t worry, no one could replace you!).
Pray that I can find some good Chinese food!
Give thanks that a Jamba Juice is opening in December!
And pray that they open a second Trader Joe’s before the current (only) one bursts at the seams!
Pray that I get a “big girl” job in the music industry that can set me in a position to network as well as be salt & light.
Pray for my friends who I have left, that we can maintain solid relationships despite the distance and time difference.